Selamat Hari Raya 2011

Kat luar da dengar takbir Raya. Tomorrow da raya. Alhamdulillah. Although my heart feel so empty, but i still have my lovely family. Looking at my friends, cousins sibuk2 siapkan family dengan baju raya anak2, juadah nak sediakan esok. Me? Still alone. Actually no mood at all. Im trying to make my Raya happening. I bought blink2 baju raya to me and my mom and my sister. Try to make my raya terbaik for this year. But i dont think its work. Tengok la esok camne.

Duit raya pun belum masuk sampul lagi. Huhu.. Sad la. Today no sms from my bf pun. Maybe he bz. Funny la that man, dia mcm tak kisah je. Tak rasa ke dia mcm apa yg aku rasa now? Alone? pelik, dah la he dont have his parents anymore, yet he just fine to be alone. Erm...

Dengar takbir raya, i feel more sad la. Ok la. Biar la my bf dengan dunia nya. I dont want to text him pape. Just wanna see if he still miss me. If not. lets both of us keep silent je. Senang semua orang.

Balik Kampung

Yesterday me and my brother balik kg. So now already two days at my hometown.. Happy. My bf just to sms me just now.

-Yang, awk balik kampung bila?
-I da balik semalam.

Maybe he bangang, coz im not telling him. But i have my own reason y im not telling him. I just wanna to have gap kot. Dont wanna be to attached to him sangat. I pernah kecewa setahun lepas coz he broke his promise to come to my house. So this year, i dont want to ask him to come and see my parents., Also i did not invite him for beraya pun. Biar la. Daripada i sakit hati by his rejection. Baik i biarkan je. No invitation pape. senang citer.

While having a conversation with my cousin, she also asking me bout my relationship with my bf. As usual, i also dont have a good answer to her question coz i also dont know my future with him. Sangat kesian dengan idup i ni.

Why my life is too complicated. :(

Chatting with my neighbour

Last Friday, after terawikh, i on my lappy and as usual i like to chat in irc. I chat with one guy 32 year old from KL. Surprisingly, he is from my area and OMG, he is my neighbour. This is my 1st time chat jumpa org sama tempat.

He ask for my FB but i didnt gave it. Im not sharing my FB to my chatter friend. Just adding at YM list je. Then after 10 mins chat, he told me that he alone now, about a year ago, his wife was passed away. The date i chat with him is exactly 1 year his wife passed away.

I terkedu. I tetiba over. I feel sad and try to put myself on his shoes. If i were at his place, what im gonna do. My bf did not reply me during last raya pun i panik. I feel empty. Dia plak wife takde. Meninggal. Takkan dapat balik although menangis air mata darah pun.

Then we chat and chat.. he wanna know me. But when we exchange pic.. both of us tak kenal pun. KL... neighbour satu building pun tak kenal. Although we take same lift. But yet we donno each other. huh.

So tu la 1st time i chat terkena org satu area umah. Funny, i jarang nak sembang with my neighbour. If jumpa in lift pun. just smile2 je. Sekali bila chat with this mamat, we chat about our neighbourhood, house management and many more bout our house.

:)

Sunday

Last nite i cant sleep. Maybe coz of penat sangat. Too much activities during the day until nite. Bake biscuit la plak. So i feel so tired and i cant sleep. Yesterday on the way to Mid Valley, My boyfriend text me :

- Yang, u buat pe ni?

- I nak pi MV, Shopping Raya

- U Nak beli apa?

- Barang2 raya

- Ok.. My sweet.. *****

- I just put Smiley face

- I love and miss u

- I love u too ( I didnt reply miss him.. coz i tak berapa sure, yang i missed him )

Then i just do my things.. Balik, berbuka puasa... and terawikh... bake biscuit... and guling2 on my bed until 4am..i sleep.

This morning, wake up.. no texting from him pun. Biarla, My feeling toward him da kurang kot. Dont bother to text him asking y he didnt sms me like i did dulu2

- B, u tak text i, u tak sayang i lagi ?

- No la sayang, B ada keje tadi. Dont say that

That kind of text i wll send to him dulu if he diam. But no, takpela... If he still miss me, he will text me. Huhu.. Complicated sungguh. My heart is complicated. huhu

My bf is super sensitive guy, me?

Yesterday, just one sms. He sent me morning wish sms. And i replied. Just that. Working as usual. Did not want to think bout him sangat. Just biarkan je.

After terawikh, mata da lowed. On lappy jap, X sempat Alizarin, then terus off sbb tak tahan. Sleep... ( Alizarin? what? Later will write bout it )

515am : Alarm ring for sahur.

Tgk my sony hp blink2 green lite, ada sms :

- Yang... awak senyap je today :( - Sent 12.05am)

I just sat on my bed. Yeah la.. just one sms yesterday... then i reply :

- Salam B, Sahur time :)

Just that and until now he did not text me anything pun. Merajuk kot. He is so sensitive unfortunately he did not care bout my sensitivity also. Since im with him.. banyak I sedih dari gembira.. Tapi itu juga yang i pilih. :( So cannot blame other people la.. the prob is from me.

Last Year's Aidilfitri

Now the story of my previous year Aidilfitri. Last year, my bf promised me to come to my house with his family after i gave him so called "date line". My mak and ayah dah ok. They happy la because my bf will come to my house.

2 days before Raya, i text him to ask la. He also at his hometown, satu negeri with me pun..bukan timur & barat or Utara and Selatan pun. Tak la jauh pun. Then he reply me :

- Sorry yang, my family cant make it, ada cousin kahwin
- Ok la then

Im so sad and cried alone in my room. After that i told my family. My mak look frustrated also. Ayah pun sama. But what to do.. look mcm i yang terhegeh2 nak sangat dengan my bf tu. I geram. Then i went to my cousin's house. To me she is like my own sister. Then he and his hubby comfort me. Coz im so sad... i text my bf that i dont want to continue hubungan lagi. Then after that i cant call him anymore. His phone is off.

Like i said earlier, i love him so much kot. Thats my weakness. After i said i wanna break with him.. i'll try to call him plak.. and when the phone off. I feel uneasy.. im afraid he also dont want me anymore. Stupid of me la. My cousin's hubby said :

-Lelaki ni kalau dia dah suka dengan perempuan, dia takkan pergi mcm tu je dengan just sms dia yg u tanak dia lagi. But if betul he lari je.. mean dia bukan laki yang baik la.

Then i diam. Betul la tu. Then i went back to my house. I still remember i'm fasting at that time. Mak brought Laksa made by my other cousin for me to break the fast. Earlier i told mak :

- Mak, rasanya tak payah tanya lagi la pasal ******** tu, orang dah takde apa2 hubungan da.
- ??, kenapa lak, mak tak suruh pun macam tu..
- Takpe.. InsyaAllah orang takde pape.

Then azan maghrib. I ate laksa. Seriously i just telan semua tu. Semua nya tak rasa pape. Just tawar semata. I buat2 biasa depan mak. Dont wanna make her worried. Nite i try to finish my report. I had to finish my office work during raya..huhuhu.. ni pun satu bala. Then i cannot do anything. I cant focus la. huhuhu. Then i sat on the couch sambil mengadap lappy. Jangan la ganggu kerja i, study i.. Then i try call my bf again... this time he pick up the phone.

- Yang, sorry tadi batery abis. And i tak perasan, abang2 dah sampai kampung. So tak sempat lagi nak call.
- Ermm.. i thot u don want me
- Apa la sayang ni... I tahu u susah hati. And im sorry sbb buat u and ur family mcm ni. Tapi i terpaksa. Sorry

Then i just say OK???? mmg i bodoh bebal la... but only that time i tak nak ruin my life la. I dont think i can ok without him. Entahla...

Then i siap2 pakai baju..

- Mak, nak ikut pi umah makcik Jah
- Ye ke?
- Yup.. i dah ok dengan ***********
- La... ok la tu.. nampak sangat engko sedih tadi.. elok la tu.. jangan pk bukan2. Jom la pegi

So end up, that nite i help mak masak2 masakan yang dia suka sangat di rumah kawan baik dia. And i happy sangat masa tu. huhuhuhu. Rasa beban dah takde.

Note : At last i can finish my report and kepala i tak kusut da... I know im stupid coz always give him an excuse, but trust me.. now i cannot let him go lagi.. Maybe someday..

Why? Why? ( He didnt bring me to see his family)

This is to be happend not so long pun. If im not mistaken, last 2 months. I push him to tell me the problem and why it is so hard for him to take me to his brothers or his family. I really need to know his family la... Then he said something yg memang i rasa i wanna bang her bold head tu.

- Pakcik kat kampung nak jodohkan i dengan sedara dekat kat sana. She is a teacher.
- Bila pakcik cakap macam tu?
- After i met u last 2 yrs....

Wah2... and baru sekarang nak reveal.. im so pissed of with this guy la. He is so secretive la. When i did not tell him what he wanna know.. pandai plak marah. So now? Shut!!! Im so sad, and cried. Bodoh...But i cant help myself la.. my tears easily keluar like hujan..huhu...

- Then u decide, if u want me, u have to stand in front ur uncle..sapa2 la yg bagi cadangan kawin that gurl tu yang u want me la...
- Ok.. thats what i did selama ni..
- So u have to make up ur mind la.. dont make me waiting so long... umur i makin meningkat!!
- I akan usaha lagi.. pls wait for me
- Or we break je la.. U kawin with that gurl
- No i wont... i want u...

End. I geram. Actually i dah cakap nak clash with him. Then he cried. And i cant tahan jugak and cried also. So dramatic.. this is because i love him so much.. huhu.. That would be great if i didnt love him so much, so that anything happend later.. im ok and boleh tahan perasaan ni. huhu

Ya Allah, give me strenght to face all this dugaan...

How He Met My Parent

Now i nak recall balik, how my bf meet my parents. That time tak jumpa at my house coz my mom look after her grandson kat umah my brother. Then my mom masak laksa. Ermm best lak bila teringat laksa tu..huhu..

He promised want to meet them at 8pm. End up i fetched him at Masjid Bangsar coz he sesat. Huhu.. he confused dengan 1 signboard. And when i asked him, he said, signboard is one problem, the major prob is "He nervous". So when he meet mak and ayah, Nampak la, he was so nervous..

Mak & ayah pun like didnt know what to ask him.. funny la. Maybe because this is the first time i bring back my bf. Then my bf pun feel down jugak. He claimed my family tak ska him. Ye ke? No la, mak and ayah said they ok je with him. Look ok je.

At least i bring him to meet my parents after 4 months knowing each other. Im really sincered with him. But im so sad until now, he never bring me and meet his family. I know that his parents were already passed away, but yet, he has brother also live in KL. He actually can bring me to see them. So that i dont feel like now.. Feel like he has a secret or what. Im always wondering, is he a married guy or what? Huhhh.. if it is true.. Memang i sumpah dia 7 Keturunan tak bahagia... Sungguh. I will. Tapi i wont see any Bomoh la.. No such things.. Khurafat.. :)

I used to asked him to give me his ic no all.. and he give me. Until now, i dont do anything pun. Ingatkan nak riki2 Pejabat Agama ke, nak tgk status. But i didnt do it. Tak reti nak start dari mana.huhu... Is he married?? huhuhu

So untill last months, its puzzled me. But then he reveal after i paksa dia.. Will tell in the next entry.

Awal Bercinta- Early Stage

Ok.. tak sampai a day pun i created this blog, i wanna write lagi. Idea tengah melimpah2 and memory is still fresh. So i log in and start this en3. Ok, for the first few months.. i felt so happy by having my bf with me(Altho secara maya coz he is not in KL) but i still happy. Every morning i'll receive good morning text, before sleep good nite wishes.. Ermm love is in the air la katakan. I miss that moment. Sungguh.

Not meant that now i dont receive this all sms's but the quantity is lesser. But i pun not give a hope also. Ada..ada la, if takde.. no prob. To that extend.. :). My heart is complicated. Even me myself, cannot figure out my feeling toward him now. Am i love him like the olds day? or my love dah tawar? ermm.. ntah la.

Dulu, sepanjang hari i in the office, me and him always texting.. but i also make my work done. Just happy texting.. love2 text.. sayang2 all... He will asked what i had for my lunch la.. very the caring one la.. huhu.. And i tak kisah telling him..

-Yang, today i wear baju kurung kuning la... merah la... , i pakai blouse hijau la.. itam la...
-Hari ni, i hv my lunch with all my best fren la..
-Hari ni , i miss u so much la..

All the love2 texting gitu.
Every single things yang he ask, i dont mind telling him. Thats love kot. Dulu2, when i was young, cinta2 monyet, i feel ridicolous, semua pun nak reveal.. maybe i got my ex yang tak kisah nak tanya eveything yang remeh and kecik2 kot. But my new bf ni, he just love to know all bout me. So i just follow his way. Not a difficult things to do pun.

Still remember, When I was shopping at Ikea. At that time, he was at his brothers house near Ikea. So he came and accompanied me, masa tu awal2 bercinta, i Jenis yang walk fast. Just tanak penat sangat. So i memang suka jalan laju to get my things fast and can save time duk lama2 kat sana. Then i noticed he's not with me, but far from me. Then when i wanna go home, i park my car at P2 and his at P1. I amik barang yang dia tolong bawak, Dia tak bagi, and dia hantar sampai ke kereta. Maklumla, i dah lama tak bercinta. B4, everything done by me sendiri.

Then when we out for movie that nite, he said :

- Awak tahu tak siang tadi kat Ikea, Saya just tengok awak dari jauh je. Saya nampak awak masih tak bersedia nak berjalan dengan saya. Awak nampak tak selesa bila saya disebelah. Even masa pegang barang2, awak nak buat sendiri and tak perlukan saya pun untuk hantar ke kereta. Saya ni ur bf kan.. So try la accept saya untuk berada bersama awak-

Sentap jugak at that time. He observed. And i really tak perasan all those things. To me, benda tu remeh sangat je. So from there, i try la buat mcm yang he said to me. Some of my activities kat KL i share with him. Today i kuar with A.. Yesterday i bought new blouse.. Tomorrow i'll plan to masak2 kek... And he love that kind of things la. Sharing. When come to think bout that, logik jugak, if we were not share some activities kami, when we will know each other. Maklumla, jumpa pun jarang sekali.

I wonders how he layan his ex gf dolu2.. Ermm but of course, i cant hold any longer in my mind if i wanna know bout anythings. Then i text him asking bout that. He wont tell at the 1st place, but i push him to tell. Then he said he treat his ex like he treat me now. No wonder la.. Dia dah biasa caring2 ni. Just i je la yang tak biasa.

Thats another 2 years back punyer citer. :) ( For now...will write later) I need to catch my 2 yrs memory and write in here.

Tentang Hati

16 August 2011-Date for this blog to be born..

This can be my blog and my diary nak lepaskan all my feeling kot, hepi or sad.. i will write in here. Actually dah lama nak luahkan. And now, i think i can use this method kot. Thru my blog.

For the start, i will write bout my bf, Now da Ramadhan, when i think it back.. almost 3 years kot i kenal my bf. Yes, i remember, i know him masa i sedang giler ngan chat2 in chatroom. Yup, masa tu, after Raya, i went back to KL. Raya time tu make me cant breathe kot, all the people nak tanya, when will i want to settle down.. find a good man and marry.. have kids all. So its make me annoyed. Terus i balik KL and luckily mak and ayah nak temankan. So we raya at KL. Puasa 6 di KL. I chat with him, and i donno why, i feel very comfortable.. maybe because he dont talk notty like many chatters yang horny kat chatroom tu. So i chat..and chat.. and chat.. till he want to meet me. Erkk.. At that time, me at KL and he was at JB(Untill now pun he's there).

So i just say yes, and agreed to met him. From JB he drove after work. I said i dont want to go out late. So he tried to arrive KL as fast as he can. At that time.. he show me his full effort. huhu.. melt...

First met, not bad la, although im kind of terkejut, he is so tall and big kot. Me? rendah and chubby. Ermm.. Then we just have dinner kat Kerinchi. Makan2. Dia jenis yang tak bercakap banyak. He said to me yang dia memang pendiam. Erkkk.. Then malam tu, lain. He can speak and we just sembang like kenal lama. Maybe because in the chat room we reveal so many things kot. Pasal character masing2, family and banyak lagi. So we dont have any kesukaran masa bersembang.

After that, he went to his brother. So i balik umah. Surprisingly jugak, i boleh naik kereta dia, on the 1st meet altho all my loving friends dah warning me earlier. Im not sure why at that time i feel so tak kisah. Buatnya he is bad person, maybe i dah takde today pun. :(. Jangan la ada org bodoh yang follow my steps ni. I just lucky i met a good guy. No hidden agenda.

After that nite, we met again. And we were out like couple. Ermm.. Too early for us. But like i said earlier, i donno y i jadi camni. Crapssss...

Then when he went back to JB, we still texting, untill one nite tu, we decided to try build love relatinship. :). Hati berbunga riang masa tu. So happy. Suddenly i ada bf. Memang i tak dapat nak describe that moment. One word je.. HAPPY. That was almost 3 yrs back.

A lot of things i wanna write here. Just for the beginning. Thats how i met my bf. will cont.